


if it hurts to breathe, open a window

by Anemoi



Category: Football RPF
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-04 14:54:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4141971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anemoi/pseuds/Anemoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mats gets married.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if it hurts to breathe, open a window

 

 

 

_(lover, you’re wrong_

_i’m not that strong)_

      

-

 

Mats is getting married tomorrow. It feels strange, after he’s left alone and Cathy kisses him goodbye with a cheery, “See you tomorrow, _husband_!” Her voice sugary sweet on the last word. Mats makes a face at her for the tease, scrunches his nose. Cathy giggles and runs back to him, kisses him again and is gone before he could reply. 

   He feels a little dazed, alone in the hotel. Maybe he should phone Jonas, but Jonas was probably just going to laugh at him for pre-marital jitters and add strippers to his bachelor party.

  Mats switches on the tv, but it wasn’t showing anything worth watching. He felt like he should be doing something, except he didn’t know what almost married men were supposed to do with their last day of bachelorhood. Maybe he could go for a walk. Or- maybe he could go for a run. 

   He’s almost out of the door before he snatches up his phone and texts Benni, spur of the moment. Then he forces himself not to think about it, runs until his legs are on fire and his hip starts aching ominously, and then walks back, half guilty since he was supposed to be resting. His phone was still on the table where he’d left it, screen facing down. He avoids it until he’s showered. 

   Benni had texted back, almost immediately after he’d sent the text. _Call me?_  

 

-

 

    “I’m getting married.” It still sounded strange. 

    “Oh.” Benni says. His tone betrayed nothing.

    “I mean I just. I thought you should know. It doesn’t- change anything.” He hopes Benni can read between the lines of what he’s saying. 

    “Mats.” Benni says slowly, as if to a child. “You’re getting married. It changes quite a few things.” 

    “I mean it doesn’t change- us.” Mats explains, picking at his tangled headphones. 

     “Mats.” Benni says, “Congratulations.”  

      "But you know why I did it, don’t you?” 

      A pause. Mats waits for Benni to speak, wrapping his headphones around his finger so tightly it goes white. 

      “I know.” Benni says. 

      Mats breathes out. “Good.” 

 

 

    Then Mats says, “Hey, what would happen if we’d gotten married?” lump in his throat, half joking, and Benni says after a pause, “The theme would probably be yellow and blue because we’re creative.” 

    Mats laughs, startled. “Go on.” 

    Benni sighs, “Mats-“ 

    “Indulge me.” Mats says. Benni sighs and does, his voice getting self mocking and wistful by turns as he described the details. 

 

    It should be simple. In any other universe, it’s probably simple. Mats loves Benni. Benni loves Mats. Mats marries Benni some day, maybe a windswept spring day in April, or a sweltering hot June day, or maybe a cold day in November - “Off season”, Benni jokes - when they’ll have to hold hands in Mats’ pocket to keep warm. 

   “Would we have kids?” Mats says, half asleep from the heat and the lull in the conversation, Benni’s breathing in his ear. 

   “Hmm. Maybe. Boy or girl?” Benni says, thoughtful. 

   “One of each. We can teach them how to defend and they can play for Bundesliga and Frauen-Bundesliga.”

  “Schalke or Dortmund for our son?” Benni says, more teasing than challenging, a laugh at the end of his sentence. 

   “Uhhh.” Mats says, claps a hand to his face, grinning despite himself. “I don’t know. I don’t- both? Twins. Twins would be nice. One for each team.” 

   Benni doesn’t speak for a while and it feels fragile then, the space between them. It also felt stupid to Mats suddenly, describing a future they wouldn’t have, like two kids wanting to be both engineers and authors and actors and nascar drivers all in one lifetime. He shuts his eyes and wants, desperately wants, half hysterical, for the other life that Benni’s describing. 

    “If you proposed first, “ Benni continues, softly, “I’d want it to be at that restaurant we keep going back to, you know? Where they put those pink and white flowers on baskets outside?” 

    Mats swallows until he’s sure his voice is steady when he speaks. “What else? You want me down on one knee, the whole nine yards?” 

    Benni’s laughing on the other end, “Yes. Do it. I want a 24 k gold ring and a live band. ” 

    “You’ll get it.” Mats promises, smiling, and his voice cracks though he’s tried so hard to keep it even. “You’ll get it.” 

 

-

 

 It should be simple, and it is. Benni loves Lisa, Lisa loves Benni. They’re going to get married someday, Mats knows. It was inevitable, and he knew Benni had been putting it off even though he’d wanted to propose several times already. Mats doesn’t know why Benni hasn’t married Lisa, ( _except he does_ ), and maybe he has a bit of a martyr complex. Maybe he’s trying to save himself by pretending he’s saving Benni a difficult choice. He doesn’t know.

 Regardless, it’s simple. Mats loves Cathy. Cathy loves Mats. Mats marries Cathy on a rainy summer day in June, and his mother cups his face in her hand and tells him she’s so, so proud of him, and the yellow handkerchief he’s stuffed in his breast pocket has Cathy’s initials on it. Mats’ back is stiff with anxiety when they enter the registry, and he thinks ruefully that what they say about pre-marital jitters is true. 

   “I can’t believe it’s raining.” He whispers to Cathy, almost apologetic, vaguely feeling like it was his fault for picking the date. She looks at him and the corner of her mouth quirks up, but she only picks up the train of her dress and puts her hand in his and shrugs, “It’s Munich in summer, what did we expect?” 

   “Should have done it in Dortmund. Marco says it’s 20 degrees Celsius with clear skies right now.” Mats says, and Cathy laughs, and the nerves disappear from his shoulders. 

 

 

   The walk out of the registry and in to the car passes by in a rush, Mats only aware of Cathy’s fingers tightly entwined in his, the paparazzi’s camera flashes and shouts, and the soft grey Munich sky above them, the raindrops rolling off the windows of cars. 

   It’s quiet when it’s just the two of them now, and Mats looks at his wife in the seat beside him as the car starts moving slowly between the meandering traffic. 

   “Hi.” Cathy says, teasing. Her hair was starting to lose it’s curl but her smile was just as bright as he always remembered. She smelled like something familiar, clean linen and that one brand of perfume she’s had since they started dating years ago. It felt like an anchor to Mats, underneath the sharp smell of new leather and lemon scented air freshener. 

   Mats brings her hand up, wordless, and kisses her knuckles. His lips pressed against her new ring. Cathy's eyes are soft when she reaches out a hand and brushes back a stray curl of his hair. 

 

  He sits back in the car, and thinks about Benni, even though that image of their make believe future hurts against the present reality. It makes his head ache, or maybe just his heart.

 

-

 

 

  It’s raining steadily in Munich, and Mats thinks about Benni. 

 

 

 

 

-

 

_(are we enemies of simplicity? have we done wrong?_

_or are we just friends who let touching hands_

_linger a little too long_

 

_how can this be wrong?_

_and forever might not be too long)_

 

 


End file.
